Ok, seriously though... WHERE THE HELL are my New pair of SOCKS?!?!??!? I mean, I personally walked them to the Washing Machine, and then escorted them the remaining 1.3 feet of their journey into the Dryer. I hit the Auto-Dry button as always, closed the door, removed the sawdust from the little trap thingie, and within 30 short minutes, The dinger goes off, i go to pull my BRAND NEW socks out of the dryer and one is GONE. Not misplaced, but GONE. Poof... Like a little dane-bramaged midget navy seal ninja-gnome crawled up the exhaust vent dressed in a "Lint Gilly-suit", with night vision and stole my damn NEW SOCK... (Charlie Copy Bravo, We have the package, I repeat, we HAVE the PACKAGE... 0-800 to L.Z. 3 for extraction, over)
And while we are on the subject, are these same "sock ninjas" the ones who mysteriously travel my route to work in the middle of the night for the sole purpose of finding and removing 30 pound plugs of asphalt out of the surface streets just because they know I’m gonna hit the chasm they left behind the very next morning!?!?! If any of you see one of these little sneaky guys on the way home from the club this weekend, please stop and kick the little bastard in the ding-ding for me.
And please somebody give me the address of the BEER ninja that covertly slides through my house and grabs my beer from where I sat it down, and moves it to the most bizarre location on the entire compound, only for to me immediately find it AFTER I just opened a fresh NEW beer.
And WHO seems to think its funny to randomly throw 4-7 guitar picks in with Every load of laundry we do around here?!?!? I mean, you have NO idea how crazy it is to find a random, green, Dunlop Tortex guitar pick in your dress shirt pocket. OBVIOUSLY not the pocket it started OUT in... It’s one of those odd things that taunts you until lunch, I swear!!!
Friends, Y'all be careful, please. There are definitely shenanigans afoot and I don’t like it ONE BIT!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Free & Fast Delivery?!?!?
The Ads
Ok, Is it just me that finds we have gone just a wee bit over the top in the form of advertising these days? Everywhere I look, I see Ads. I buy a computer choked to death right out of the box with tons of interactive crap-advertising. I walked into the kitchen @ 6:45 am to fix a bowl of cereal and when I pour it, out pops a 3X5 index card shaped ad in my bowl! Whatever happened to cool toys?!? My Water bill comes in an envelope with an AD printed on the back of it! Hell, I’m absolutely amazed that I don’t have to wipe my fanny with TP imprinted with personal hygiene ads!!! When did we become SO complacent that we allow these media giants to cram all this down our throats? I guess it has happened so slowly, the mass integration of advertising into every aspect of our lives, that we didn’t realize it was happening. Well today, I did!
The Deal
Here I am, in a meeting trying to close the deal on a mega application development project we have been courting for a lifetime. I mean one of those deals you have to WORK for. The days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and a year later, we are all sitting around the table with the decision makers justifying our proposal as the finalists. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, my phone starts blowing up. And obviously it can’t display just a normal number that you would immediately send to the "Don’t ****ing Bother Me" folder, but instead... an OFFICIAL looking number. Ya know, one of those that you sit there for a second thinking, "I KNOW this number!" and something compels you to answer it no matter HOW much you try to convince yourself to just send it to voicemail.
The Sin
So I did it, I committed the cardinal sin of sales meetings. While the CEO, CFO and CIO were mumbling about money and contracts and databases amongst themselves, I figure I would pull my best "answer and swoop" as I planned to sneak out into the hall like a delta force ranger for a brief moment, for fear I would miss this important call. So I do what everybody does and press the answer key under the desk to stop the annoying buzzing sound from my phone being set to vibrate. I mean, hell, they will wait until I can get out of the door right!?!?
Thin Crust or Deep Pan
Just as I hit the Answer button I realized my mistake. I not only hit answer, but I hit the speaker phone button simultaneously; Uh-Oh... Now before I finish my story, you have to get the full visual and understand the magnitude of this unfortunate situation. I am a hard core metal-head. I have an iPhone. iPhones tend to be quite loud when you have the volume "krunk" to eleven. Apparently as I pulled into the office early this morning I had been headbanging in traffic to Alien Ant Farm's "Smooth Criminal" remake and forgot to turn my volume back down.
Back to the situation at hand. As I press the answer key and inadvertently invite everyone in the room into my would-be covert conversation, at full volume we all hear, "Welcome to Dominoes where we have specials ALL through the month of February! Please try one of our fresh and delicious...." - you all can imagine the rest.
The Response
While I am scramble trying to silence this absurd interruption and attempt to think of HOW I am going explain this away as some new iPhone application I downloaded the night before, the whole room stops in sheer aggravation and looks dead at me. If I would have had a gun, I would have handed it to the President with the barrel pointed directly at me. NO EXCUSE for what I had just let transpire. And then, as if by some miracle my dane bramage had rubbed off on the president, he responds with, "Dane, If you can tell me how to get those idiots to stop calling ME as well, we have a deal!!"
Dane Bramage, we ALL have it from time to time!
Ok, Is it just me that finds we have gone just a wee bit over the top in the form of advertising these days? Everywhere I look, I see Ads. I buy a computer choked to death right out of the box with tons of interactive crap-advertising. I walked into the kitchen @ 6:45 am to fix a bowl of cereal and when I pour it, out pops a 3X5 index card shaped ad in my bowl! Whatever happened to cool toys?!? My Water bill comes in an envelope with an AD printed on the back of it! Hell, I’m absolutely amazed that I don’t have to wipe my fanny with TP imprinted with personal hygiene ads!!! When did we become SO complacent that we allow these media giants to cram all this down our throats? I guess it has happened so slowly, the mass integration of advertising into every aspect of our lives, that we didn’t realize it was happening. Well today, I did!
The Deal
Here I am, in a meeting trying to close the deal on a mega application development project we have been courting for a lifetime. I mean one of those deals you have to WORK for. The days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and a year later, we are all sitting around the table with the decision makers justifying our proposal as the finalists. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, my phone starts blowing up. And obviously it can’t display just a normal number that you would immediately send to the "Don’t ****ing Bother Me" folder, but instead... an OFFICIAL looking number. Ya know, one of those that you sit there for a second thinking, "I KNOW this number!" and something compels you to answer it no matter HOW much you try to convince yourself to just send it to voicemail.
The Sin
So I did it, I committed the cardinal sin of sales meetings. While the CEO, CFO and CIO were mumbling about money and contracts and databases amongst themselves, I figure I would pull my best "answer and swoop" as I planned to sneak out into the hall like a delta force ranger for a brief moment, for fear I would miss this important call. So I do what everybody does and press the answer key under the desk to stop the annoying buzzing sound from my phone being set to vibrate. I mean, hell, they will wait until I can get out of the door right!?!?
Thin Crust or Deep Pan
Just as I hit the Answer button I realized my mistake. I not only hit answer, but I hit the speaker phone button simultaneously; Uh-Oh... Now before I finish my story, you have to get the full visual and understand the magnitude of this unfortunate situation. I am a hard core metal-head. I have an iPhone. iPhones tend to be quite loud when you have the volume "krunk" to eleven. Apparently as I pulled into the office early this morning I had been headbanging in traffic to Alien Ant Farm's "Smooth Criminal" remake and forgot to turn my volume back down.
Back to the situation at hand. As I press the answer key and inadvertently invite everyone in the room into my would-be covert conversation, at full volume we all hear, "Welcome to Dominoes where we have specials ALL through the month of February! Please try one of our fresh and delicious...." - you all can imagine the rest.
The Response
While I am scramble trying to silence this absurd interruption and attempt to think of HOW I am going explain this away as some new iPhone application I downloaded the night before, the whole room stops in sheer aggravation and looks dead at me. If I would have had a gun, I would have handed it to the President with the barrel pointed directly at me. NO EXCUSE for what I had just let transpire. And then, as if by some miracle my dane bramage had rubbed off on the president, he responds with, "Dane, If you can tell me how to get those idiots to stop calling ME as well, we have a deal!!"
Dane Bramage, we ALL have it from time to time!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The Blog that isnt a blog
Wow!!! After 3 hours of figuring out the configuration of this blog site, Im happy to blog everybody and let them know I am now in desperate need of a beer and some mindless activity like beer-pong (Hmmm, I wonder if anybody has tried Naked-Beer-Pong-Twister yet...). Seriously though, you guys stay tuned because I love my new blog home and plan on keeping this one very jovial, light hearted and humorous. Yea, yea, yea... I know many of you are raising the B.S. flag because you know I cant resist the occasional rant on current issues, but I promise to keep as much of this as non-confrontational as possible. Thank you Rebekah for turning me on to this site and getting me away from the humdrum of the other "sites" we have blogged on in the past.
So I apologize that this isn't the home run, out of the gate, first post many of you expected, but i promise to make up for it in short order.
Until then, Y'all be sure to keep your Dane Bramage in check, and as always, drink a cold beer. You deserve it, and one day you will be dead and gone, and what good is cold beer then?!??
So I apologize that this isn't the home run, out of the gate, first post many of you expected, but i promise to make up for it in short order.
Until then, Y'all be sure to keep your Dane Bramage in check, and as always, drink a cold beer. You deserve it, and one day you will be dead and gone, and what good is cold beer then?!??
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